Pick Your Poison

Staring at the Television I’m glued, lazily sinking into the crevices of my old beat up, brown recliner. Look, I’ve had a hard day. I’ve been continuously standing at my job my knees are killing me; telling people why they should buy this, why they should buy that. I didn’t even lift a finger but phew I’m beat. At least I can pop a squat, chill out, and see whats on television.

(Flipping through channels)

[Ad]

(In a deep manly tone)

You too can own a truck, for a limited time only head on down over to [insert generic Car Dealership] right now at this very millisecond, and we’ll add a fifth tire so you can always be on the go.

Hm, I already have a car. Let’s see whats on cartoons, I just want to be entertained.

(Flips channel)

[Ad]

(High pitch middle aged man) Hey kids! You know whats awesome?!

(Crowd of kids in the commercial) What?

(Middle aged man) This brand new toy! Check out this kid! He’s playing with the toy! Hey, You’re a kid too! You should play with this toy! Tell your parents that you need this toy now!

Guess what?!

We have a Limited Edition! There’s only One Hundred in the whole world! They’re slightly different from the regular toy (slight color variation)! Don’t even question us, get your parent’s permission with their card and buy it now! Hurry before we sell out!

Oh my god, I just want to watch television. Let’s see whats on the men’s channel for gods sake.

(Flips Channel)

[Ad]

(Light vacation beach music in the background with images of older couples)

(Same middle aged man from the first commercial)

Hello gentlemen, My name is Paid Sponsor here, and I can guarantee you that I, am not a paid sponsor. Look I get it, as we age we gotta make sure that we can still keep in shape for the lady. Have you ever felt down, downstairs? I do, and when I do, I take this non prescribed, unregulated medication that gives me a boost if you catch my drift.

I know what you’re thinking “I’m a man, I don’t need medicine to please my wife” but trust me, take one and you’ll be riding like a bull (slowly) all, night, long. Order now, and when you order we’ll throw on a coupon to your favorite burger place. Because we all know men love a good burger.

(Sigh) I’ll just listen to music.

(Puts headphones in, listening to The Killers)

[Ad]

(Song ends and a woman comes onto the mic)

Hey listener, don’t you hate ads? We don’t because we get paid, but here I’m an ad. Buy the premium so you don’t have to hear me.

Ah forget it! I’ll just sit here in silence.

[fin.]

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